Facing Disappointment

Facing Disappointment

Every athlete faces failure. Whether it's a missed shot, a bad pitch, or a wild throw, we have all fallen short and missed the mark. As athletes we are constantly striving for perfection in our craft, each day working to become the best we can be. We spend hours and hours honing skills, and pushing our bodies to the limits. So yes, it can be heartbreaking when things don't turn out the way we hope.
I flew out to Santa Clara California for the Arena Pro Swim Series in June, hoping to finally get my Olympic Trial qualifying time. Years of training had finally brought me to this moment in time. With Trials only weeks away, it was my last shot. It was now or never. My first day there I swam a best time in my 100 butterfly. Not my best event, so I was not expecting to qualify in it. I was very excited to swim a best time. The next day, was the 100 backstroke. My 'best' stroke. I had only to drop one second, and I would qualify for the Trials. One second. Well, just one second can weigh on a swimmers mind like a fifty pound medicine ball.
As a coach, I have talked to several swimmers about their 'best' stroke. It is that one stroke we specialize in. The event that we succeed in. The event we can always count on to be our best, to get us the highest place. We have had many victories surrounding that event. And so, years of building that event up, has placed it on a very high mountain, where the pressure is just as high. Too many times, I have swum a backstroke race that I have gotten out of the pool and thought: "That was terrible. It should have been better." In my head, I proclaim myself to be the king of backstroke. So the pressure to succeed is there, eating away at my mind. And with it, the deep fear that something could go wrong. Butterfly on the other hand, is fun. I enjoy it, because I don't care quite as much about the success of the race. I just like to swim it. And that makes all the difference. It should not be about the time, or the need to succeed, but just to enjoy the process of training, and embrace the race!
After that 100 backstroke in Santa Clara, it was very hard to find anything that I liked about it. I did not have a great mindset going into the race, I nearly missed the wall on my turn, and I hit the lane rope twice during the race. And just like that, one bad swim pulled me down into a funk like I have never experienced. All the build up of self-pressure, and self-doubt pulled me down and drowned me. I had failed. I called my wife, tears welling up, not sure if I could go on. Almost all my worse fears about racing came true. Looking back, months down the road, I can definitely see where I let those fears of failure get to me right before the race. I was too focused on what I didn't want to do. It's easy now to look back and say 'should have done this...' but what good will that do?
There was a moment on the phone with my wife, when I was feeling all the weight of years of swimming hitting me hard in the chest, telling me it was all for nothing, that I was finally able to face myself and be honest with myself. Maybe I wasn't going to be the next great Olympian of swimming, but does that really matter? I was at one of the fastest meets in the country, swimming with some of the greatest athletes. One bad race does not define me as a swimmer. It is the dedication that I have lived by. It is my persistence in following a dream. It is my belief in myself as a person. And it is my unwavering love of the sport that truly matters.
I shook off the fears, and held my head up. Tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow is another race. I swam the 200 IM and the 200 backstroke the next day. The 200 IM was my first event of the morning, and all I had to do was drop 2 seconds to make it to Olympic Trials.
Getting ready for the race that day, I remember facing those same fears: What if it all goes wrong? What if you're not ready? What if you don't get the cut? What if you fail? I told myself what I needed to hear: I don't care about those fears. I want to race.
I swam a best time that day. No, I didn't drop 2 seconds. I did not qualify for the Olympic Trials. And you know what? The world didn't end. I made finals in all my events that weekend. I got to swim in the top heat of the 200 IM at finals, against someone who went on to final in the Olympics. I warmed down, and I held my head up.
Disappointment hurts. It hurts really bad. You want to wallow in all the wishes, and 'should have done this better,' or 'if only I had prepared better,' and you want to crawl into a hole where no one will find you. But that is not what a great athlete does. A great athlete is one who takes disappointment, turns it on its head, and rides on to the next victory. I am sad I didn't qualify for the greatest swim meet our country hosts. I am sad that I will not compete against the greatest athletes in the world at that meet. But you know, one day I will be there. I will stand on deck, and I will be with other coaches who also have swimmers there. While one dream ends, another one begins. Just because we fall short, and we don't reach the goals we set for ourselves, does not mean that we are any less of a person. It means the plan must change. It means the goal must change. It means that there is something bigger, and better out there for you to go after.
So if I could say anything to my swimmers when they miss their goal, it would be this: I still believe you are a great athlete. I believe you can still do whatever you set your mind to. What can we learn from this experience, and how can we grow from it? I am excited to help you pursue the next step, and I'm excited to see what you can achieve.